He was right. My boyfriend. I was afraid of letting myself feel again. After all that I lived, after all that happened I was so afraid to feel, and I felt so secure living a calm, seroius relationship, that I didn't want to let go my feelings.
But it wasn't fair to "punish" him for what I lived before, for what other men did to me. He is being loyal, commited and true. So, he deserves to know the good side of me also.
He has proved to know me, for better and for worse. He has proved to be in love with me, despite my demons and my madness, and he is still here. And he will be here for a long time.
So, it was time for me to unleash the power of my feelings again. Those strong feelings that learned to stay in calm, can now be released to flow towards him, because he is there for me and he is letting his feelings to flow towards me.
I am letting my wilderness to be free again, and it feels good :)
As time goes by, it all seems to be fitting.
The more I pray, the more I see things between me and my boyfriend are going right. I feel now that I've never been so in love before... or maybe, not like this.
We've got plans, solid plans, for our future. He has shown me all he wants to do to make his home comfortable for me and Vale, to make it OUR home.
I can truly say he is the man I want to live with until we both get old and die; he is the man I want to share my evenings with, he is the man I want to spend my days talking about whatever comes to our minds, he is the man I want to kiss good night and good morning for the rest of our lives.
I finally found my mate. And no matter what my preachers said, it still feels right to me :)
Few days before my 40th birthday arrives, I'm feeling blue... deep blue.
But the truth is there's no reason why. There are a lot of small issues flying around my head, but each of them, alone, is not enough to make me feel like this.
I guess it is the sum of all things, then.
I already cried, when talking to my boyfriend -who didn't seem to understand me- and later with my sister, who prayed for me and made me feel better.
Still, I have no idea on what to do for my birthday. No clue at all. And today I am not in the mood to figure out what should I do to celebrate I'm stepping on the 'fourth floor'... even the idea of doing nothing seems perfectly fine for me today. But I know that I will want to do something for this special time, next week.
It's just that today wasn't a good day. And today I didn't want to think about my birthday.
I didn't want to think of my financial situation, and my sister's too.
I didn't want to think of my health.
I didn't want to think of what I can eat and what I can't.
I didn't want to think of my parents, far away.
I didn't want to think of my future and my relationship with my boyfriend.
I didn't want to think of the things I want and I can't get.
I just didn't want to think about anything today. Not even my birthday.
Maybe tomorrow I will feel happier and I'll think of something I wanna do for my birthday. But today I just needed to cry...
