Back again...

I can't get this over yet, for he is still coming around, flashing me with that radiant look and his wide smile.
Lying in bed, next to him, feeling his heartbeat in my ear, makes me think it is all worthy, just to be with him in moments like that.
I'm falling in love, can't deny it, and I already lost all my will to escape or finish this.
So, let's see where this road takes us in the end...

Something I heard on TV...

Love is like a butterfly: you hold it too tight and you crush it... too loose and it flyes away...

Guess I've not find the right way to hold it yet, for it keeps crushing or flying away from me...

Finally over...

I really didn't want it to end... but it's over now.
It's better this way, I know it.
Though is hard to recognize this, he is just another friend on the road...
But I am getting tired of being always the everybody's friend, nobody's girlfriend.
I'm done with it, really...
I do want to have a family. I want somebody who is not afraid to commit to me. Who doesn't think I'm too much for him.
It is sad to see there are not too many guys willing to do that, right now when I am already willing to commit with somebody...

Hold on & try again

I am learning the meaning of those words: "hold on" and "try a little more".

It is easy to walk away as soon as the things don't work out the way we want them to be, but it takes a lot more to stay and pursue a goal.

In the end... I must thank J for teaching me how to do it: how to hold on to something that sometimes seemed weak, and how to keep on trying until the last hope was dead.

I hope this time it'll work for good...

Up and down

My will is leaving me again... I don't know when or how he got that power over me... but after some words my anger is gone and now I am calmed and wishing to see him again this week.

I know... I'm insane... but this is it: I really like him a lot and sometimes I feel like it is worthy to wait for him, ´cause the times we spent together lift me up to the clouds and beyond.

Yes... I'm fucked up. Although I don't wanna recognize it yet, I might be falling in love with him so deep I can stand the blue and gray days without him, just to enjoy the bright days together...

What I've critiziced before, I am doing now... bad, terribly bad, I know.

But still... I wanna be with him... am I crazy?

Break up dream

This morning, before I woke up, I dreamt of him. We were at a party, and I was wondering wether to break up with him or not. Then somebody brought a cake. It was his birthday and we sang the happy birthday song for him. There was a gal next him, another mate from school. And after he blew off the candles, she looked at him and they kissed. It was a quick kiss, but I realized then he had something with her.

I knew then it was over. I thought it wasn't necessary to speak to him, but then we met face to face. I knew I needed that talk to close the circle, for me. So I spoke. My heart was aching a lot and I tried to keep me up all together, but it was hard because I knew in his face it was hurting him too. His voice was weak and he had to take a few steps back to breathe.

I knew then what I know now: he sure likes me a lot, but he is not that into me to do what it takes to be with me, and he rather stay with his current life and the gals he uses to meet.

I looked into his eyes and my pain was soathed by this knowledge, though it still hurted me a lot. Then we kissed goodbye... a large, deep and heartful kiss...

Then I woke up.

I've been feeling blue all morning because I broke up with him in my dreams. That's something I gotta do and I may not be able to do it in real life, so I needed it to happen in my dreams.

It hurts me a lot to loose something that could have been, that must have been, but we lost it before it could even start.

But what is hurting me more, is knowing that I must do exactly what I dreamt the next time I see him...

Unable to leave

I don't know if I am brave or coward by staying with him... but when I looked at him yesterday I knew it would be hard to break up. And then he kissed me, and all my will went away.

So, here I am. I know now where am I standing. And though the future is uncertain, I still wanna be here...

Am I crazy?

Judgement day

Today I will talk to him to gat things clear. I just don't understand how he can be so tender and romantic, and then turn away and disappear for weeks. If he weren't important to me, I wouldn't mind... but the truth is, I do like him, a lot.

I am nervous. I don't know if this talk will be the end or the beginning for something, but I got this feeling it might be the end of what we have right now.

To be clear, I don't wanna end it. But I don't wanna end up loving on my own again. I'm not a coward. If I get to know he likes me as much as I do, I would certainly take the risks to fall all the way down just to find out if this is gonna work. But knowing that he is not that into me, then it's no worthy to take all that risk. I would end up broken hearted for nothing.

So... here I go. Gonna find out what's going on here... if there is something going on...

Alicia Keys, Falling lyrics

I keep on fallin' in and out of love with you
Sometimes I love you
Sometimes you make me blue
Sometimes I feel good
At times I feel used
Loving you darling
Makes me so confused

[chorus:]
I keep on fallin' in and out of love with you
I never loved someone the way that I loved you

Oh, Oh, I never felt this way
How do you give me so much pleasure
And cause me so much pain, yea yea
'Cause when I think
I'm taking more than would a fool
And I start fallin' back in love with you

[chorus]

I'm fallin'
I'm fallin
fall, fall, fall, fall

It is so easy to get used to good things, that I am already missing him. He travels a lot, due to job stuff... we don't get to see each other as much as we would like to... and in the beginning I used to say: "It's OK... this way we won't fall in love too fast"... but I am already missing him.

I miss his kisses, his hugs, the way he looks at me, his gentle and wide smile everytime he sees me... I wanna see his face again, with those kiddy and sparkling eyes, looking at me, releasing that wonderful smile he just can't hide when he first sees me, everytime we meet :)

I want to feel his hands around me once again, holding my head before he kisses me, hugging me tender and firmly.

I never thought I would end up missing a hairy chest, loving a beird... but I do. I hope he misses me the same way I am already missing him, for I am already counting the hours to see him again...

Still here :)

He´s still here, and every day we spend together it's a bride new surprise.

We don't see each other as much as we would like to, because of our jobs and family dates, but whenever we meet, it is really great.

We have not spoken about a relationship. We are not in a commitment. But still, he is the most serious and stable relationship I've had with a guy in years... really.

I now remember how does it feel to have a date, go to the theater, have a drink, dance, kiss, walk by the street hand in hand...

I'm not in love yet. But if this keeps going on like this, I will certainly be sometime... soon ;)

Starting a new story

I had totally forgotten how does it feel to walk by the street hand in hand with that special one.

I must admit I was surprised when I felt his hand looking for mine, for it has been so long since the last time someone hold my hand on the street... I mean, someone who made me feel special.

It's been a long road for me these months. Love went away. Tried to find a prince in an ogger but it didn't work out.

Time went by and love feeling came back, looking for a place in my heart, trying to make me feel again. Played a while with some guys, but there was always fear to fall in love, sometimes them, sometimes me. Time was not right or they weren't the right ones. And the only times they hold my hand was on the way to a hotel room, or in a hidden place, where nobody could see us.

And then, he came. Someone I could never have thought about. He slipped into my life with his smile and his curious eyes. And he took my hand while walking on the street, and kissed me right there, where everybody could see us... and I felt the seed of love slowly growing again in my heart... :)

Filling my emptyness

It is hard to write when words are not enough to say the way you feel.

I've been fighting myself, against this feeling that just doesn't go away. I am already tired of writing about this, and that's why I stopped writing for a few months.

But in the end, life goes on, and there is so much more to say than just him.

I went to NKOTB concert last december, I spent a nice time with my family last Christmas and New Year, I have a good job and a lot of stuff to do, and I just went through my kid's birthday party, as well as mine...

And there is also this guy, who seems nice and says to be really interested on me... so, maybe in the end, it is time fo this princess to let herself be rescued by an oger-prince...

Let's see what happens...