What the hell was I thinking? It's obvious this is a one way road. All signs go from here to there, but there's no answer back.
All I have now is the possibility to walk all the way, till it's end, and then turn back and walk over my steps, close the road and move on...
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Monday, August 28, 2006
So then, I'm a lier...
I thought I had already pushed you out of my heart and my mind, but the truth is that it only takes a few words from you to make me come back. I really miss you, no matter what. Beyond my will, my reason and my disappointments, what you made me feel almost two years ago is still alive.
I've told so many times it's over that now I must recognize I have just been lying about it. You are always in my mind, Jorge, always. And the feeling inside me, it's not fake. I've tried to kill it, but still, without success.
I am now looking forward to the last days of October, when we will be together again... finally.
I've told so many times it's over that now I must recognize I have just been lying about it. You are always in my mind, Jorge, always. And the feeling inside me, it's not fake. I've tried to kill it, but still, without success.
I am now looking forward to the last days of October, when we will be together again... finally.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Penelope
I waited for days, that turned into weeks and then into months. I stayed there until my heart froze, and I left, not willing to leave. I came back, then, and forced myself to wait a little longer... but one day I woke up and moved on.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
A little breath
Finally, some peace between Israel and Libano. May God help us to keep the peace for a long time.
Still, we have Congo, Chechenia, Irak, Iran, Afganistan, Colombia, and many other places all around the world to pray for.
Besides, the damage done won't just go away with the call for peace...
Still, we have Congo, Chechenia, Irak, Iran, Afganistan, Colombia, and many other places all around the world to pray for.
Besides, the damage done won't just go away with the call for peace...
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Camila
When she saw the news, she couldn't believe it... there he was, standing in the cornice of a tall building, threatening with throwing himself. Camile stood still. She had imagined that scene a thousand times, but she never thought it could become real. She never imagined, also, the sudden fear she felt: how would this story end? In her head, she knew the end, but the reality could be a lot different.
Her mind came back to the years she spent hours locked into the closet of her bedroom, building stories in which she had telepathic conversations with other living beings who, just like her, were dropped into this world for some mistaken reason, and then they had to learn to live within the humans, but always feeling that absence, that emptiness, that lack of belonging.
One of those days she met Mark, a young men who always felt like something was going on inside him, working in his blood to change him. Camile also spoke to Mariane, a girl who always talked about having an intense and strange attraction for sea life and she wanted to live in the water. Mariane was able to swim under the water for a long time, without any oxygen tank... she always said her destiny was to be a mermaid, but her family moved to the city, away from the sea.
Meanwhile, Camile's parents worried about her fertile imegination and, after several therapies, they got her to stop locking herself inside the closet. However, Camile kept having telepathic talks with Mark and Mariane and some other living beings she thought she created on her mind.
Little by little, she become more human and kept more and more distance to this mental talking, specially when Mariane confessed she ran away from home to follow her dream of living in the sea and Mark announced that his body was being modified and a pair of wings was coming out.
Camile sent Mark to fly away and drowned Mariane into the deepest of her mind... and she moved on, until that afternoon she saw the images on the TV. Standing in the roof of a known building was Mark. He looked even more beautiful than she ever imagined: brunette, long dark hair, strong and hairless chest, and a big pair of white wings, shinning under the sunrays.
Camile knew it was the first time Mark would try to fly. In her imagination, he always made it; he just lifted up over the buildings and flew away, to the clouds. But Camile worried that in the real life he couldn't do it. Then, it happened. She couldn't even scream when she saw him jump, for it was not the way she thought about it, over and over.
Mark fell and Camile got really scared for the few seconds it took to the camera man to follow the angel guy. Suddenly, those wings extended wide and began to move, lifting Mark up, above the buildings, towards the clouds...
Camile stood frozen watching that scene repeat on the news, but she was not listening to what the reporters said. She only had one thought in mind: if Mark was true, then her feelings were also true. She climbed up the steps to her building roof. There, she extended her arms to the sky and, with all the faith she got in her heart, she let herself to be lifted by the energy she had inside from a long time ago, ever.
She just felt like she was elevating. Some neighbors told they saw her vanish within the sunrays...
(Translation from my spanish blog, http://fuera-de-lugar.blogspot.com)
Her mind came back to the years she spent hours locked into the closet of her bedroom, building stories in which she had telepathic conversations with other living beings who, just like her, were dropped into this world for some mistaken reason, and then they had to learn to live within the humans, but always feeling that absence, that emptiness, that lack of belonging.
One of those days she met Mark, a young men who always felt like something was going on inside him, working in his blood to change him. Camile also spoke to Mariane, a girl who always talked about having an intense and strange attraction for sea life and she wanted to live in the water. Mariane was able to swim under the water for a long time, without any oxygen tank... she always said her destiny was to be a mermaid, but her family moved to the city, away from the sea.
Meanwhile, Camile's parents worried about her fertile imegination and, after several therapies, they got her to stop locking herself inside the closet. However, Camile kept having telepathic talks with Mark and Mariane and some other living beings she thought she created on her mind.
Little by little, she become more human and kept more and more distance to this mental talking, specially when Mariane confessed she ran away from home to follow her dream of living in the sea and Mark announced that his body was being modified and a pair of wings was coming out.
Camile sent Mark to fly away and drowned Mariane into the deepest of her mind... and she moved on, until that afternoon she saw the images on the TV. Standing in the roof of a known building was Mark. He looked even more beautiful than she ever imagined: brunette, long dark hair, strong and hairless chest, and a big pair of white wings, shinning under the sunrays.
Camile knew it was the first time Mark would try to fly. In her imagination, he always made it; he just lifted up over the buildings and flew away, to the clouds. But Camile worried that in the real life he couldn't do it. Then, it happened. She couldn't even scream when she saw him jump, for it was not the way she thought about it, over and over.
Mark fell and Camile got really scared for the few seconds it took to the camera man to follow the angel guy. Suddenly, those wings extended wide and began to move, lifting Mark up, above the buildings, towards the clouds...
Camile stood frozen watching that scene repeat on the news, but she was not listening to what the reporters said. She only had one thought in mind: if Mark was true, then her feelings were also true. She climbed up the steps to her building roof. There, she extended her arms to the sky and, with all the faith she got in her heart, she let herself to be lifted by the energy she had inside from a long time ago, ever.
She just felt like she was elevating. Some neighbors told they saw her vanish within the sunrays...
(Translation from my spanish blog, http://fuera-de-lugar.blogspot.com)
The nature of personality
Some people say that everybody has six twins in this world. My guess is that, when God decides to give life to a newborn, the vital fluid of life spills out and falls into seven different babies, not only one. From that time, the souls of that seven babies will be related, for their whole life.
The issue is that, instead of getting a full amount of characteristics, each baby will just get some qualities, which means that, ever since they are born, they'll be all their life incomplete, lacking one or several characteristics of their personalities, always feeling they don't belong here.
One of this souls may have aquired more spiritual force, but he lacks tenderness; another one may be a kind person, but he is also lazy. The one who is strong and decided may not be charming, and the charming one doesn't have a clue of what he is meant to be.
This way, the seven twin souls will go on, searching for the other ones, till finally some of them find. This is why people believe in soul mates.
But not all the babies will have the luck to find themselves, for this seven souls, created in heaven, are meant to live in the body of seven persons who may live in places far away from each other. They won't even born at the same time. Not even the great globalization phenomenon could find and put together this seven souls.
But there is still hope: when one of this seven dies, its soul will look for one or more of the other six, for it can't go to heaven incomplete. When it finds another of its twins, the characteristics it had will now be part of the other one. This way, somebody who has always been a coward, suddenly turns into a courageous man; and the one who is not romantic becomes then a poet.
The one of this seven souls who lives more than the other six will be lucky enough to end it's life as a complete person and, when he dies, its fulfilled soul will then be able to go back to heaven, where it will reunite to the fluid of life. It may have the opprtunity to fill a new soul, but, that time, it won't spill out, for it has learned it's not funny to split itself in as many parts as the rainbow colors.
Once I said so, I gotta say this is just my imagination. I don't believe that we have the chance to come back, or that God makes mistakes like the one in my story. And I think that if anything of this story was true there would certainly be a lot of people searching for their soul twins, to kill them and become stronger then, just like Highlander or Jet Li in The One.
But the truth is, there may be more than one who would like to know that there is a hope to aquire those characteristics we lack, like will, discipline, faith, commitment, courage, integrity, ethic, honesty, love, peace, strenght, decision, charm, tenderness, wisdom, vision, intelligence and tenacity, among others.
(Translation from my spanish blog, http://fuera-de-lugar.blogspot.com)
The issue is that, instead of getting a full amount of characteristics, each baby will just get some qualities, which means that, ever since they are born, they'll be all their life incomplete, lacking one or several characteristics of their personalities, always feeling they don't belong here.
One of this souls may have aquired more spiritual force, but he lacks tenderness; another one may be a kind person, but he is also lazy. The one who is strong and decided may not be charming, and the charming one doesn't have a clue of what he is meant to be.
This way, the seven twin souls will go on, searching for the other ones, till finally some of them find. This is why people believe in soul mates.
But not all the babies will have the luck to find themselves, for this seven souls, created in heaven, are meant to live in the body of seven persons who may live in places far away from each other. They won't even born at the same time. Not even the great globalization phenomenon could find and put together this seven souls.
But there is still hope: when one of this seven dies, its soul will look for one or more of the other six, for it can't go to heaven incomplete. When it finds another of its twins, the characteristics it had will now be part of the other one. This way, somebody who has always been a coward, suddenly turns into a courageous man; and the one who is not romantic becomes then a poet.
The one of this seven souls who lives more than the other six will be lucky enough to end it's life as a complete person and, when he dies, its fulfilled soul will then be able to go back to heaven, where it will reunite to the fluid of life. It may have the opprtunity to fill a new soul, but, that time, it won't spill out, for it has learned it's not funny to split itself in as many parts as the rainbow colors.
Once I said so, I gotta say this is just my imagination. I don't believe that we have the chance to come back, or that God makes mistakes like the one in my story. And I think that if anything of this story was true there would certainly be a lot of people searching for their soul twins, to kill them and become stronger then, just like Highlander or Jet Li in The One.
But the truth is, there may be more than one who would like to know that there is a hope to aquire those characteristics we lack, like will, discipline, faith, commitment, courage, integrity, ethic, honesty, love, peace, strenght, decision, charm, tenderness, wisdom, vision, intelligence and tenacity, among others.
(Translation from my spanish blog, http://fuera-de-lugar.blogspot.com)
Monday, August 07, 2006
Hopeless romantic? or hopeless at all?
I was just watching a movie and they said that distance can fire up the heat of the lovers, or it can cold up the fire until lovers forget themselves. Few minutes later, they said that a coward heart will never conquer the object of its love.
Mmmmm... and don't think I was watching a romantic movie, it was Disney's Robin Hood. Yes, the one with the fox and the bear. Too much wisdom for a children movie? Maybe not. If we teach children to fight for their dreams and loves since they are kids, it will be easier for them to develop in a competitive world.
I wish someone would have taught me to be a strong fighter. I've learned it on my way, but, still, I get frozen when it comes to build a relationship with someone I love. But, well, I'm speaking of building out something when I don't even try to get there.
I hear it very often and I tell it to others, and to myself, a lot: try, just try. Most of the times I don't even try. And then I regret it, over and over.
And because I feel I can't get somebody, I move on and fall in love with another guy. Same story, different moments, but the same end. Again and again and again... The worst is that, recently, whenever I feel there can be a possibility to build a serious, strong relation with someone I like, I get so frightened that I just run away... Yeah, not literally like Julia Roberts in Runaway bride, but I begin doing stuff to make that guy scare and get away.
The sad thing is that it works. They go. And then the time comes for me to stand in front of the mirror and look a lonely, scared but full of love woman. How long will I go on like this?
What it takes to change your destiny? What it takes to have the guts to change it? What it takes to be stronger?
Maybe I should begin by viewing it in my future. If you ask me where do I see myself in five years, I will tell you that I see me with a family. But if you ask me where do I see myself in 15, 20 or 30 years, the truth is I don't see me with a family... not even with a couple.
I think of me as somebody that, by then, would have raised one or two kids, and therefore I will be able to follow my own dreams to help people within my country, or maybe in some other places. And I think, in order to achieve that, it would be better for me to stay single, 'cause I won't be able to do it if I have kids to take care or a husband who will need me.
So, the real question now is... what is it I really want? Is it possible to have both of my dreams come true?
Mmmmm... and don't think I was watching a romantic movie, it was Disney's Robin Hood. Yes, the one with the fox and the bear. Too much wisdom for a children movie? Maybe not. If we teach children to fight for their dreams and loves since they are kids, it will be easier for them to develop in a competitive world.
I wish someone would have taught me to be a strong fighter. I've learned it on my way, but, still, I get frozen when it comes to build a relationship with someone I love. But, well, I'm speaking of building out something when I don't even try to get there.
I hear it very often and I tell it to others, and to myself, a lot: try, just try. Most of the times I don't even try. And then I regret it, over and over.
And because I feel I can't get somebody, I move on and fall in love with another guy. Same story, different moments, but the same end. Again and again and again... The worst is that, recently, whenever I feel there can be a possibility to build a serious, strong relation with someone I like, I get so frightened that I just run away... Yeah, not literally like Julia Roberts in Runaway bride, but I begin doing stuff to make that guy scare and get away.
The sad thing is that it works. They go. And then the time comes for me to stand in front of the mirror and look a lonely, scared but full of love woman. How long will I go on like this?
What it takes to change your destiny? What it takes to have the guts to change it? What it takes to be stronger?
Maybe I should begin by viewing it in my future. If you ask me where do I see myself in five years, I will tell you that I see me with a family. But if you ask me where do I see myself in 15, 20 or 30 years, the truth is I don't see me with a family... not even with a couple.
I think of me as somebody that, by then, would have raised one or two kids, and therefore I will be able to follow my own dreams to help people within my country, or maybe in some other places. And I think, in order to achieve that, it would be better for me to stay single, 'cause I won't be able to do it if I have kids to take care or a husband who will need me.
So, the real question now is... what is it I really want? Is it possible to have both of my dreams come true?
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Faithless heart
There's this song from a christian girl, named Amy Grant, that I like very much. I've been thinking of it today, 'cause I'm in a mood like the song.
Someone told me once that, no matter the distance, the important thing among us was the strenght of the heart. The thing is... my heart ain't strong if it doesn't feel supported. As a matter of fact, I have a weak heart. And this is why I feel so identified with the lyrics of "Faithless heart".
At times the woman deep inside me wanders far from home
and in my mind I live a life that chills me to the bone.
A heart running for arms out of reach,
but who is the stranger my longing seeks?
I don't know, but it scares me through an through
'cause I've a man at home who needs me to be true.
Oh faithless heart be far away from me,
playing games inside my head that nobody else can see.
Oh faithless heart, you tempt me to the core,
but you can't have a hold on me, so don't come around anymore.
God you know the feelings here could wipe my world away
ravaging the promises a stronger heart once made.
So hold me, I'm falling so fast and tell me that the fighting inside will pass as I walk away,
and find the strenght to choose the man who waits for me with a heart that's true.
Well... I've no man here, with me, but my mind keeps flying away and my heart keeps falling in and out of love just like a leaf in the wind. So, like the song says, I just ask God to help me and take care of my changeable, faithless, unfaithful and weak heart...
Someone told me once that, no matter the distance, the important thing among us was the strenght of the heart. The thing is... my heart ain't strong if it doesn't feel supported. As a matter of fact, I have a weak heart. And this is why I feel so identified with the lyrics of "Faithless heart".
At times the woman deep inside me wanders far from home
and in my mind I live a life that chills me to the bone.
A heart running for arms out of reach,
but who is the stranger my longing seeks?
I don't know, but it scares me through an through
'cause I've a man at home who needs me to be true.
Oh faithless heart be far away from me,
playing games inside my head that nobody else can see.
Oh faithless heart, you tempt me to the core,
but you can't have a hold on me, so don't come around anymore.
God you know the feelings here could wipe my world away
ravaging the promises a stronger heart once made.
So hold me, I'm falling so fast and tell me that the fighting inside will pass as I walk away,
and find the strenght to choose the man who waits for me with a heart that's true.
Well... I've no man here, with me, but my mind keeps flying away and my heart keeps falling in and out of love just like a leaf in the wind. So, like the song says, I just ask God to help me and take care of my changeable, faithless, unfaithful and weak heart...
Saturday, August 05, 2006
searching for a reason
I keep searching for a way to focus all the passion I've got. I usually fall in love, more than once in a year... but then, I gotta recognize it's not real love, just crushes... There goes my heart, crashing and crashing over and over, till it finally crashes and burns, like that Savage Garden song.
But all this things I feel inside go beyond the man-woman-and-couple-forever thought. I feel sorrow for the people suffering, and feel rage when I see things that are unfair, I also have this feeling to help people who can't defend themselves, like old people, kids, handicapped and even animals or plants.
We live in a tiny world and we are destroying it. And it worries me when I look around and see what will be the world my kid will live in. That´s why I keep on figuring out ways to help make it a better place.
Recently, I've had this strong feeling that I should do anything more to help people isolated by wars and natural disasters... and then, if it wasn't 'cause I have a kid who needs me so much, I would certainly be following Mother Teresa steps.
But... guess what? Although I don't want to get pregnant and have more kids of my own, today I got this funny feeling when I read about children without family in Middle East... what if... what if I adopt one of those kids?
I know, this is a crazy thought built out of my impulsive and ever confused feelings, but, believe this, the idea sounded so good to me that even I couldn't believe it.
As a matter of fact... is there a better proof of tolerance, respect and love for other people's beliefs and cultures than taking for yourself one of those kids and raise him?
Just a thought... time and God's Will in my life will help me out, whatever may be the choice, wether it is to find another way to help, or falling in so deep with this feeling that I finally end up giving my kid an adopted brother.
If there's any thing I could say to my readers, is to find your own way to help this world be a better place, for us, for our kids...
But all this things I feel inside go beyond the man-woman-and-couple-forever thought. I feel sorrow for the people suffering, and feel rage when I see things that are unfair, I also have this feeling to help people who can't defend themselves, like old people, kids, handicapped and even animals or plants.
We live in a tiny world and we are destroying it. And it worries me when I look around and see what will be the world my kid will live in. That´s why I keep on figuring out ways to help make it a better place.
Recently, I've had this strong feeling that I should do anything more to help people isolated by wars and natural disasters... and then, if it wasn't 'cause I have a kid who needs me so much, I would certainly be following Mother Teresa steps.
But... guess what? Although I don't want to get pregnant and have more kids of my own, today I got this funny feeling when I read about children without family in Middle East... what if... what if I adopt one of those kids?
I know, this is a crazy thought built out of my impulsive and ever confused feelings, but, believe this, the idea sounded so good to me that even I couldn't believe it.
As a matter of fact... is there a better proof of tolerance, respect and love for other people's beliefs and cultures than taking for yourself one of those kids and raise him?
Just a thought... time and God's Will in my life will help me out, whatever may be the choice, wether it is to find another way to help, or falling in so deep with this feeling that I finally end up giving my kid an adopted brother.
If there's any thing I could say to my readers, is to find your own way to help this world be a better place, for us, for our kids...
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