Finally over...

I really didn't want it to end... but it's over now.
It's better this way, I know it.
Though is hard to recognize this, he is just another friend on the road...
But I am getting tired of being always the everybody's friend, nobody's girlfriend.
I'm done with it, really...
I do want to have a family. I want somebody who is not afraid to commit to me. Who doesn't think I'm too much for him.
It is sad to see there are not too many guys willing to do that, right now when I am already willing to commit with somebody...

Hold on & try again

I am learning the meaning of those words: "hold on" and "try a little more".

It is easy to walk away as soon as the things don't work out the way we want them to be, but it takes a lot more to stay and pursue a goal.

In the end... I must thank J for teaching me how to do it: how to hold on to something that sometimes seemed weak, and how to keep on trying until the last hope was dead.

I hope this time it'll work for good...

Up and down

My will is leaving me again... I don't know when or how he got that power over me... but after some words my anger is gone and now I am calmed and wishing to see him again this week.

I know... I'm insane... but this is it: I really like him a lot and sometimes I feel like it is worthy to wait for him, ´cause the times we spent together lift me up to the clouds and beyond.

Yes... I'm fucked up. Although I don't wanna recognize it yet, I might be falling in love with him so deep I can stand the blue and gray days without him, just to enjoy the bright days together...

What I've critiziced before, I am doing now... bad, terribly bad, I know.

But still... I wanna be with him... am I crazy?

Break up dream

This morning, before I woke up, I dreamt of him. We were at a party, and I was wondering wether to break up with him or not. Then somebody brought a cake. It was his birthday and we sang the happy birthday song for him. There was a gal next him, another mate from school. And after he blew off the candles, she looked at him and they kissed. It was a quick kiss, but I realized then he had something with her.

I knew then it was over. I thought it wasn't necessary to speak to him, but then we met face to face. I knew I needed that talk to close the circle, for me. So I spoke. My heart was aching a lot and I tried to keep me up all together, but it was hard because I knew in his face it was hurting him too. His voice was weak and he had to take a few steps back to breathe.

I knew then what I know now: he sure likes me a lot, but he is not that into me to do what it takes to be with me, and he rather stay with his current life and the gals he uses to meet.

I looked into his eyes and my pain was soathed by this knowledge, though it still hurted me a lot. Then we kissed goodbye... a large, deep and heartful kiss...

Then I woke up.

I've been feeling blue all morning because I broke up with him in my dreams. That's something I gotta do and I may not be able to do it in real life, so I needed it to happen in my dreams.

It hurts me a lot to loose something that could have been, that must have been, but we lost it before it could even start.

But what is hurting me more, is knowing that I must do exactly what I dreamt the next time I see him...

Unable to leave

I don't know if I am brave or coward by staying with him... but when I looked at him yesterday I knew it would be hard to break up. And then he kissed me, and all my will went away.

So, here I am. I know now where am I standing. And though the future is uncertain, I still wanna be here...

Am I crazy?

Judgement day

Today I will talk to him to gat things clear. I just don't understand how he can be so tender and romantic, and then turn away and disappear for weeks. If he weren't important to me, I wouldn't mind... but the truth is, I do like him, a lot.

I am nervous. I don't know if this talk will be the end or the beginning for something, but I got this feeling it might be the end of what we have right now.

To be clear, I don't wanna end it. But I don't wanna end up loving on my own again. I'm not a coward. If I get to know he likes me as much as I do, I would certainly take the risks to fall all the way down just to find out if this is gonna work. But knowing that he is not that into me, then it's no worthy to take all that risk. I would end up broken hearted for nothing.

So... here I go. Gonna find out what's going on here... if there is something going on...