I really don't know what's going on with me but I feel tired of feeling like this. It feels like all the time I want to run away. I'd love to marry a rich guy or win the lotto and then, after paying all my debts, I'd do all the doctor visits I have to do, for me and my kid. I would make all the improvements my home needs and then buy a car.
After that, I would take my kid on a long trip across all the beautiful places I want to visit at Mexico, first, and Latin America.
But then... I realize I don't even have a formal job right now. I just began to work as a freelancer for two important business magazines... but I still don't get paid.
I want to trust God but I am beginning to get worried because I am running out of money, I have a lot of things to pay and I won't get any income for two or three weeks more. This is melting me down... but today I realized it is not something that is going on because of what I am going through lately.
I've been like this for a long time. I've been so selfish, so proud, that I've been doing my will for so long, and when things don't go the way I want them to be, I get frustrated and then move on to another thing.
I was not like this... I really don't know what made me begin to act like this. I hate being irresponsible and lazy. I hate not to do my job or the things that are expected from me to do. The truth is... I am beginning to hate the work... even the kind of job I love is taking more effort than I expected, more than it should be, in fact.
I don't wanna go on like this. I realize it is an internal issue, maybe something spiritual going wrong, but I don't know what it is...
I really wanna run away... If you asked me, right now, I'd love to take my kid, buy a ticket to a lost town in the middle of a jungle, anywhere in South America, and stay there for the rest of my life.
Obviously, I can't do that for my kid deserves the right to go to college and decide what she wants to do for her life. But, I tell you, I'm sick of the way I've been living, but it is taking me such a strong effort to do the simple things... I just don't know what to do.
Well, I know what I gotta do. Stand up, fight, and work hard... just like everybody else does. The issue is I don't want to. I just don't want to go on like this, but I feel I have no strenght... and even worse: I don't even have the will to do what it takes.
It seems sometimes like my mind and my body are not connected: whenever I feel healthy and filled with energy, my mind doesn't want to focus all that energy in a positive task. And whenever my mind is focusing on work and get things done, my body just don't react... I feel heavy, lazy and blue.
I am also missing this guy very much, but the thing I miss most is to have a partner. And then I think that I wont be able to have a partner if I keep on being like I am. Who will want to marry a single mom, lazy, irresponsible and with few skills (or vission) to save money and focus on a common target, like buying a house?
Again... I've not been like this for a long time. But now I am. I don't know how to get out of this... it's like a chronical disease that is weakening me more and more. Sometimes I feel OK and full of energy, but then again I melt down and feel worse, 'cause I realize I am not doing anything to get out of this vicious cycle.
I am also getting tired of doing this alone... I really don't wanna go on by myself. There are a lot of girls that get used to the live without a guy. It's not like me. I've been without a guy for too long and I need a partner in my life... but, who will want to be with a gal like me?
And then, I hear in my mind what I've been told lately at the church: I am not alone. God is with me and He will help me out. All He wants for me is to commit with Him.
Again... committing to something is taking me a strong effort and I ussualy surrend before I get to the goal. I am not praying as much as I should be, I am not reading my Bible and sometimes I even skip the Sunday preaches at church.
I know that if this is a spiritual issue, God can easily help me to get out, but it will require strong commitment, discipline, obedience and will from me. And I still feel like I'm doing it alone.
I really don't get what it takes to change my mind or what is it that I have to understand to make the changes God requires from me.
I know He can help me... it is just that I don't find what it takes to do my part... and that makes me wanna run away.
I want to run away from job duties, from debts, from family issues, and I wanna run away from commitment. I guess I want to run away from my life, for I still don't know where to head at or how to do it.
I feel empty and I recognize I am far away of living the life christians should be living. I am so far of being an example I often feel embarrased to say I am christian... sometimes I wish I had a couple of wings and fly away, far from here, and find my place in a hidden jungle or maybe at a war place, helping children and injured people... but then, again, I recognize, God will not give me strong responsibilities for his Kingdom if I am not commiting to do the simple duties I have to do.
Days like today I just want to run away... I really do. But reality strikes back and I have to do what I am demanded to do, to get money and feed my girl.
Today is one of those days I just wish I didn't have to do that... but I realize I have to 'coz there's nobody here with me to rely on. And God's help sometimes don't get the way we want it... mostly because I don't pray like I should...
I know what I gotta do... it's just that sometimes I don't want to do what I have to...
God, please, help me! I don't wanna go on like this. I wanna do Your will. I don't know how to... and now, I wanna run away... again...
I just can't get out of my mind his kisses and his hands over me...