I've been taking my pills, I am praying again, listening to worship songs and trying to read my Bible again. The storm of few weeks ago seemed to pass away and I was feeling better... but then, no.
I realized myself speechless, unable to answer my daughter´s and sister´s questions about life and God... I, myself, have had to look for answers to all the questions that flooded my mind and my soul since I confessed to my preacher I have a non-christian boyfriend and I was taken away from the church service.
I had to face the truth of the extent of my faith... and it is not as wide as I thought it was. There are still some sacrifices I am not willing to do, like breaking up with the only man I've met who has really been there for me, who loves me just like I am, who supports me and the only one I've ever been able to imagine getting older with.
I had to face my daughter's inquiries and complaints, while I was trying to process my own feelings and thoughts, all these while trying to discover God's will in my life and my own will to do what He asks for me... It was not an easy road.
And, in the meantime, I see my sister's struggle for money, while trying to keep her marriage and her family tied together. I see her questioning where's the God of the Bible, the one that says there will never be a hunger and material needs for those who follow God. And my sister, her husband and their kids follow God, they do. I was out of words the last time I spoke to her about God's love. I just couldn't find a reason for what she and her family -my family- are living. And it hurts me to the bone.
It also hurts me to see my daughter waking astray from the Bible's lessons; I understand she is too young and that she has not had the chance to experience God's love and presence in her life yet, not as a thing she can really feel. I knew this would happen. She is also the fourth generation of a family of women flooded by depression, so it's a genetic issue for women in my family. I am trying to teach her to understand that sometimes what she feels is not real, it's just the combination of chemical substances in her brain and body that were triggered due to external factors, but that things may not be as bad as she sees it when the depression strikes. I really hope she grows up understanding this and managing depression and sadness much more well than the older ones did: it took me 35 years and some pills to stay calmed; it took my sister more than 35 years and a family crisis; it took my mom almost 60 years to get over it... I hope my daughter can get this in control before 20 years. Her life would be so much better...
And, here is where my faith crashes again with my reality. Or maybe I should not say my faith, but the church. The truth is many christian churches don't believe depression, in some cases, is more than an emotional state that can dissappear with a strong relationship with God. Sometimes it is much more than that...
Sometimes, depression strikes suddenly, exploding that black hole in somebody's chest, and it doesn't matter if it is a strong believer or a new born christian. It just happens. Something triggers the chemical reaction in our bodies and, out of nothing, we may feel sad, nostalgic and a little bit mad or depressed. If the people around us don't understand that, then the feeling grows, because it finds an argument to say "hey, this is why I'm here!"
It takes a lot to realize that those feelings were "artificially implanted" and they don't belong to you. If you are able to recognize that and reject those feelings, then you'll be able to move on, pray, worship and pass the sad moment. Many christians are not able to do that. And sometimes I am not sure that my daughter will find the tools she needs on the church, because depression is usually seen as a sign of a life of sins and away from God. It is not. Many depressed christians pray to God in pain, begging Him to help them, desperately asking for this feeling to fade away.
When christian churches recognize depression as an illness, they will be able to let members of the church say they are living in depression, and it will be easier for all to find a way to help the one in need, and that person may feel better in church knowing that people won't stare at him/her like saying: "Oh, sure. He's sad... he may not been praying lately. Or maybe his faith is not as strong as he says..."
Guess what? My faith was solid enough when I was told I couldn´t work for the church's service. I am a woman surviving depression every day of my life. I have lived with it since I remember. And I know God has always been there for me, but so depression. My faith has gone up and down, and so the depression; and the fluctuations are not related to strong faith = less depression. No. Sometimes depression strikes hard when my faith is solid and strong. It is something out of my hands and it was just until a couple of years ago I knew it was an illness for me and my family. Therapy and pills did the trick. I am not saying God does not has the power to fight depression away, but there are different cases, and God works different from person to person.
This is where I stand today. Regaining my faith. Because I believe in a loving God that won't push me away from his side because I have a non-christian boyfriend, when this man has proved to be right for me in so many ways, even understanding my family and my personal depression issue, and accepting it as part of me, without making me feel bad about it.
I believe God has always been there for me and my family, although I don't understand why my sister is going through all the issues she is facing right now. I really don't know what to tell her. I just have no idea...I don't know what will come next, but I am sure that God will show me the way. Somehow. I believe I will see my daughter's faith revived and that she will understand, sense and believe in God for real, not just because I taught her to do so. And I believe we will be with Him when the time comes...
