Feeling down days before stepping up on the "fourth floor"

Few days before my 40th birthday arrives, I'm feeling blue... deep blue. 

But the truth is there's no reason why. There are a lot of small issues flying around my head, but each of them, alone, is not enough to make me feel like this. 

I guess it is the sum of all things, then.

I already cried, when talking to my boyfriend -who didn't seem to understand me- and later with my sister, who prayed for me and made me feel better.

Still, I have no idea on what to do for my birthday. No clue at all. And today I am not in the mood to figure out what should I do to celebrate I'm stepping on the 'fourth floor'... even the idea of doing nothing seems perfectly fine for me today. But I know that I will want to do something for this special time, next week.

It's just that today wasn't a good day. And today I didn't want to think about my birthday.

I didn't want to think of my financial situation, and my sister's too.
I didn't want to think of my health.
I didn't want to think of what I can eat and what I can't.
I didn't want to think of my parents, far away.
I didn't want to think of my future and my relationship with my boyfriend.
I didn't want to think of the things I want and I can't get.

I just didn't want to think about anything today. Not even my birthday. 

Maybe tomorrow I will feel happier and I'll think of something I wanna do for my birthday. But today I just needed to cry...

I have no idea...

Suddenly, out of nothing, I felt that emptiness in my chest again, like a vacuum imploding, like a black hole inside me.

I've been taking my pills, I am praying again, listening to worship songs and trying to read my Bible again. The storm of few weeks ago seemed to pass away and I was feeling better... but then, no.

I realized myself speechless, unable to answer my daughter´s and sister´s questions about life and God... I, myself, have had to look for answers to all the questions that flooded my mind and my soul since I confessed to my preacher I have a non-christian boyfriend and I was taken away from the church service.

I had to face the truth of the extent of my faith... and it is not as wide as I thought it was. There are still some sacrifices I am not willing to do, like breaking up with the only man I've met who has really been there for me, who loves me just like I am, who supports me and the only one I've ever been able to imagine getting older with.

I had to face my daughter's inquiries and complaints, while I was trying to process my own feelings and thoughts, all these while trying to discover God's will in my life and my own will to do what He asks for me... It was not an easy road.

And, in the meantime, I see my sister's struggle for money, while trying to keep her marriage and her family tied together. I see her questioning where's the God of the Bible, the one that says there will never be a hunger and material needs for those who follow God. And my sister, her husband and their kids follow God, they do. I was out of words the last time I spoke to her about God's love. I just couldn't find a reason for what she and her family -my family- are living. And it hurts me to the bone.

It also hurts me to see my daughter waking astray from the Bible's lessons; I understand she is too young and that she has not had the chance to experience God's love and presence in her life yet, not as a thing she can really feel. I knew this would happen. She is also the fourth generation of a family of women flooded by depression, so it's a genetic issue for women in my family. I am trying to teach her to understand that sometimes what she feels is not real, it's just the combination of chemical substances in her brain and body that were triggered due to external factors, but that things may not be as bad as she sees it when the depression strikes. I really hope she grows up understanding this and managing depression and sadness much more well than the older ones did: it took me 35 years and some pills to stay calmed; it took my sister more than 35 years and a family crisis; it took my mom almost 60 years to get over it... I hope my daughter can get this in control before 20 years. Her life would be so much better...

And, here is where my faith crashes again with my reality. Or maybe I should not say my faith, but the church. The truth is many christian churches don't believe depression, in some cases, is more than an emotional state that can dissappear with a strong relationship with God. Sometimes it is much more than that...

Sometimes, depression strikes suddenly, exploding that black hole in somebody's chest, and it doesn't matter if it is a strong believer or a new born christian. It just happens. Something triggers the chemical reaction in our bodies and, out of nothing, we may feel sad, nostalgic and a little bit mad or depressed. If the people around us don't understand that, then the feeling grows, because it finds an argument to say "hey, this is why I'm here!"

It takes a lot to realize that those feelings were "artificially implanted" and they don't belong to you. If you are able to recognize that and reject those feelings, then you'll be able to move on, pray, worship and pass the sad moment. Many christians are not able to do that. And sometimes I am not sure that my daughter will find the tools she needs on the church, because depression is usually seen as a sign of a life of sins and away from God. It is not. Many depressed christians pray to God in pain, begging Him to help them, desperately asking for this feeling to fade away.

When christian churches recognize depression as an illness, they will be able to let members of the church say they are living in depression, and it will be easier for all to find a way to help the one in need, and that person may feel better in church knowing that people won't stare at him/her like saying: "Oh, sure. He's sad... he may not been praying lately. Or maybe his faith is not as strong as he says..."

Guess what? My faith was solid enough when I was told I couldn´t work for the church's service. I am a woman surviving depression every day of my life. I have lived with it since I remember. And I know God has always been there for me, but so depression. My faith has gone up and down, and so the depression; and the fluctuations are not related to strong faith = less depression. No. Sometimes depression strikes hard when my faith is solid and strong. It is something out of my hands and it was just until a couple of years ago I knew it was an illness for me and my family. Therapy and pills did the trick. I am not saying God does not has the power to fight depression away, but there are different cases, and God works different from person to person.

This is where I stand today. Regaining my faith. Because I believe in a loving God that won't push me away from his side because I have a non-christian boyfriend, when this man has proved to be right for me in so many ways, even understanding my family and my personal depression issue, and accepting it as part of me, without making me feel bad about it.

I believe God has always been there for me and my family, although I don't understand why my sister is going through all the issues she is facing right now. I really don't know what to tell her. I just have no idea...

I don't know what will come next, but I am sure that God will show me the way. Somehow. I believe I will see my daughter's faith revived and that she will understand, sense and believe in God for real, not just because I taught her to do so. And I believe we will be with Him when the time comes...

Inspiration back...

I've been re-making myself these years. Finding my place in this world. Too much has happened, but I finally feel in peace. The names of the men that used to make me write have faded away, and now there is a new love, completely different from what I lived before. And there is God, filling me with His love and peace, soothing my soul and spirit. My creativity is back, and so are is my will to write. So I will, again... :)

Irony

Being in love makes you feel like you own the whole world while feeling like a slave to one person, at the same time...

What if...?

People say that if something's for you it will get you even though you try to get away from it, and if it's not for you it will avoid you even though you try to get in its way.

I'm beginning to understand it now. And it is certainly true... and nice.

So, let's wait and see...

So... what?

C'mon baby, kill me again. Catch me, if you can. If you really want me, come on and chase me, hunt me, hit me... I still wanna be your prey.

I won't stay still, it won't be easy, but I want you to do it. So, if you really like me, come on and get me. I'm still here. I still love you.

If you are gonna do something, do it now, 'cause maybe later I'll get over you and it will be too late...

Kill me... like a friend

One of my favorite songs: Pulp's Like a friend, I really feel this way...

Don't bother saying you're sorry

Why don't you come in
Smoke all my cigarettes again

Every time I get no further
How long has it been?

Come on in now, wipe your feet on my dreams

You take up my time

Like some cheap magazine
When I could have been learning something
Oh well, you know what I mean, oh

I've done this before
And I will do it again

Come on and kill me baby
While you smile like a friend

Oh and I'll come running
Just to do it again

You are the last drink I never should have drunk
You are the body hidden in the trunk

You are the habit I can't seem to kick
You are my secrets on the front page every week

You are the car I never should have bought
You are the dream I never should have caught
You are the cut that makes me hide my face
You are the party that makes me feel my age

Like a car crash I can see but I just can't avoid
Like a plane I've been told I never should board
Like a film that's so bad but I've got to stay till the end
Let me tell you now: it's lucky for you that we're friends.

Quiet and shout out loud

I can't help it. I miss him. Tomorrow is his birthday and I wont be there with him. I know he'll be in town these days, before traveling to SouthAfrica next saturday... but I don't think he will call me... and I wont call him either.
However... I can't stop thinking of him. And even when I know it is better to keep things this way, deep inside I wish to see him once again...

Restless

I wish he was here. I really miss him. I know he is around but I also know he´s got his time doing some other stuff. I was so angry the last time we spoke I seriusly doubt he will ever try to speak to me. And I wont try to do it either. But I still miss him... and, at times, I really hope he was near again...

Back again...

I can't get this over yet, for he is still coming around, flashing me with that radiant look and his wide smile.
Lying in bed, next to him, feeling his heartbeat in my ear, makes me think it is all worthy, just to be with him in moments like that.
I'm falling in love, can't deny it, and I already lost all my will to escape or finish this.
So, let's see where this road takes us in the end...

Something I heard on TV...

Love is like a butterfly: you hold it too tight and you crush it... too loose and it flyes away...

Guess I've not find the right way to hold it yet, for it keeps crushing or flying away from me...

Finally over...

I really didn't want it to end... but it's over now.
It's better this way, I know it.
Though is hard to recognize this, he is just another friend on the road...
But I am getting tired of being always the everybody's friend, nobody's girlfriend.
I'm done with it, really...
I do want to have a family. I want somebody who is not afraid to commit to me. Who doesn't think I'm too much for him.
It is sad to see there are not too many guys willing to do that, right now when I am already willing to commit with somebody...

Hold on & try again

I am learning the meaning of those words: "hold on" and "try a little more".

It is easy to walk away as soon as the things don't work out the way we want them to be, but it takes a lot more to stay and pursue a goal.

In the end... I must thank J for teaching me how to do it: how to hold on to something that sometimes seemed weak, and how to keep on trying until the last hope was dead.

I hope this time it'll work for good...

Up and down

My will is leaving me again... I don't know when or how he got that power over me... but after some words my anger is gone and now I am calmed and wishing to see him again this week.

I know... I'm insane... but this is it: I really like him a lot and sometimes I feel like it is worthy to wait for him, ´cause the times we spent together lift me up to the clouds and beyond.

Yes... I'm fucked up. Although I don't wanna recognize it yet, I might be falling in love with him so deep I can stand the blue and gray days without him, just to enjoy the bright days together...

What I've critiziced before, I am doing now... bad, terribly bad, I know.

But still... I wanna be with him... am I crazy?

Break up dream

This morning, before I woke up, I dreamt of him. We were at a party, and I was wondering wether to break up with him or not. Then somebody brought a cake. It was his birthday and we sang the happy birthday song for him. There was a gal next him, another mate from school. And after he blew off the candles, she looked at him and they kissed. It was a quick kiss, but I realized then he had something with her.

I knew then it was over. I thought it wasn't necessary to speak to him, but then we met face to face. I knew I needed that talk to close the circle, for me. So I spoke. My heart was aching a lot and I tried to keep me up all together, but it was hard because I knew in his face it was hurting him too. His voice was weak and he had to take a few steps back to breathe.

I knew then what I know now: he sure likes me a lot, but he is not that into me to do what it takes to be with me, and he rather stay with his current life and the gals he uses to meet.

I looked into his eyes and my pain was soathed by this knowledge, though it still hurted me a lot. Then we kissed goodbye... a large, deep and heartful kiss...

Then I woke up.

I've been feeling blue all morning because I broke up with him in my dreams. That's something I gotta do and I may not be able to do it in real life, so I needed it to happen in my dreams.

It hurts me a lot to loose something that could have been, that must have been, but we lost it before it could even start.

But what is hurting me more, is knowing that I must do exactly what I dreamt the next time I see him...

Unable to leave

I don't know if I am brave or coward by staying with him... but when I looked at him yesterday I knew it would be hard to break up. And then he kissed me, and all my will went away.

So, here I am. I know now where am I standing. And though the future is uncertain, I still wanna be here...

Am I crazy?

Judgement day

Today I will talk to him to gat things clear. I just don't understand how he can be so tender and romantic, and then turn away and disappear for weeks. If he weren't important to me, I wouldn't mind... but the truth is, I do like him, a lot.

I am nervous. I don't know if this talk will be the end or the beginning for something, but I got this feeling it might be the end of what we have right now.

To be clear, I don't wanna end it. But I don't wanna end up loving on my own again. I'm not a coward. If I get to know he likes me as much as I do, I would certainly take the risks to fall all the way down just to find out if this is gonna work. But knowing that he is not that into me, then it's no worthy to take all that risk. I would end up broken hearted for nothing.

So... here I go. Gonna find out what's going on here... if there is something going on...

Alicia Keys, Falling lyrics

I keep on fallin' in and out of love with you
Sometimes I love you
Sometimes you make me blue
Sometimes I feel good
At times I feel used
Loving you darling
Makes me so confused

[chorus:]
I keep on fallin' in and out of love with you
I never loved someone the way that I loved you

Oh, Oh, I never felt this way
How do you give me so much pleasure
And cause me so much pain, yea yea
'Cause when I think
I'm taking more than would a fool
And I start fallin' back in love with you

[chorus]

I'm fallin'
I'm fallin
fall, fall, fall, fall

It is so easy to get used to good things, that I am already missing him. He travels a lot, due to job stuff... we don't get to see each other as much as we would like to... and in the beginning I used to say: "It's OK... this way we won't fall in love too fast"... but I am already missing him.

I miss his kisses, his hugs, the way he looks at me, his gentle and wide smile everytime he sees me... I wanna see his face again, with those kiddy and sparkling eyes, looking at me, releasing that wonderful smile he just can't hide when he first sees me, everytime we meet :)

I want to feel his hands around me once again, holding my head before he kisses me, hugging me tender and firmly.

I never thought I would end up missing a hairy chest, loving a beird... but I do. I hope he misses me the same way I am already missing him, for I am already counting the hours to see him again...

Still here :)

He´s still here, and every day we spend together it's a bride new surprise.

We don't see each other as much as we would like to, because of our jobs and family dates, but whenever we meet, it is really great.

We have not spoken about a relationship. We are not in a commitment. But still, he is the most serious and stable relationship I've had with a guy in years... really.

I now remember how does it feel to have a date, go to the theater, have a drink, dance, kiss, walk by the street hand in hand...

I'm not in love yet. But if this keeps going on like this, I will certainly be sometime... soon ;)