I wish you were here...

I wish you were here, but not the way you lived the last 10 years. I wish you were here strong and healthy, and happy, without pain.

I miss you very much mom. A lot. 

I just wish you were here again...

After the tornado

It has been a tough year.

So many things happening, so fast, I was not able to write.

My heart broke. And I have had so much to do, my main concern was to keep my mind sane...

My mom died on April 30. She was sick, very sick, and she was suffering a lot of pain. She is now in peace, but I miss her a lot.

On the bright side, I'm moving with my boyfriend. Mi daughter was not very happy about it, but finally she is taking it with a mature attitude. I have been stressed for all that the moving means: getting rid of a lot of my mom's and grandma's stuff, packing my own stuff, deciding what not to take, buying new things for the new home... all these while looking for a new school for my daughter and helping my aunt with a trip she had to do to U.S.A.

I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but there have been a lot of things to do, that I just won't write down. And all that happened while I was moarning my mom's loss.

It seems to me that now is like a tornado came by, strucked me, and now I have to move over with what's left after it passed.

And yes, I may be dramatic about it, but this were tough months for me.

I have no idea...

Suddenly, out of nothing, I felt that emptiness in my chest again, like a vacuum imploding, like a black hole inside me.

I've been taking my pills, I am praying again, listening to worship songs and trying to read my Bible again. The storm of few weeks ago seemed to pass away and I was feeling better... but then, no.

I realized myself speechless, unable to answer my daughter´s and sister´s questions about life and God... I, myself, have had to look for answers to all the questions that flooded my mind and my soul since I confessed to my preacher I have a non-christian boyfriend and I was taken away from the church service.

I had to face the truth of the extent of my faith... and it is not as wide as I thought it was. There are still some sacrifices I am not willing to do, like breaking up with the only man I've met who has really been there for me, who loves me just like I am, who supports me and the only one I've ever been able to imagine getting older with.

I had to face my daughter's inquiries and complaints, while I was trying to process my own feelings and thoughts, all these while trying to discover God's will in my life and my own will to do what He asks for me... It was not an easy road.

And, in the meantime, I see my sister's struggle for money, while trying to keep her marriage and her family tied together. I see her questioning where's the God of the Bible, the one that says there will never be a hunger and material needs for those who follow God. And my sister, her husband and their kids follow God, they do. I was out of words the last time I spoke to her about God's love. I just couldn't find a reason for what she and her family -my family- are living. And it hurts me to the bone.

It also hurts me to see my daughter waking astray from the Bible's lessons; I understand she is too young and that she has not had the chance to experience God's love and presence in her life yet, not as a thing she can really feel. I knew this would happen. She is also the fourth generation of a family of women flooded by depression, so it's a genetic issue for women in my family. I am trying to teach her to understand that sometimes what she feels is not real, it's just the combination of chemical substances in her brain and body that were triggered due to external factors, but that things may not be as bad as she sees it when the depression strikes. I really hope she grows up understanding this and managing depression and sadness much more well than the older ones did: it took me 35 years and some pills to stay calmed; it took my sister more than 35 years and a family crisis; it took my mom almost 60 years to get over it... I hope my daughter can get this in control before 20 years. Her life would be so much better...

And, here is where my faith crashes again with my reality. Or maybe I should not say my faith, but the church. The truth is many christian churches don't believe depression, in some cases, is more than an emotional state that can dissappear with a strong relationship with God. Sometimes it is much more than that...

Sometimes, depression strikes suddenly, exploding that black hole in somebody's chest, and it doesn't matter if it is a strong believer or a new born christian. It just happens. Something triggers the chemical reaction in our bodies and, out of nothing, we may feel sad, nostalgic and a little bit mad or depressed. If the people around us don't understand that, then the feeling grows, because it finds an argument to say "hey, this is why I'm here!"

It takes a lot to realize that those feelings were "artificially implanted" and they don't belong to you. If you are able to recognize that and reject those feelings, then you'll be able to move on, pray, worship and pass the sad moment. Many christians are not able to do that. And sometimes I am not sure that my daughter will find the tools she needs on the church, because depression is usually seen as a sign of a life of sins and away from God. It is not. Many depressed christians pray to God in pain, begging Him to help them, desperately asking for this feeling to fade away.

When christian churches recognize depression as an illness, they will be able to let members of the church say they are living in depression, and it will be easier for all to find a way to help the one in need, and that person may feel better in church knowing that people won't stare at him/her like saying: "Oh, sure. He's sad... he may not been praying lately. Or maybe his faith is not as strong as he says..."

Guess what? My faith was solid enough when I was told I couldn´t work for the church's service. I am a woman surviving depression every day of my life. I have lived with it since I remember. And I know God has always been there for me, but so depression. My faith has gone up and down, and so the depression; and the fluctuations are not related to strong faith = less depression. No. Sometimes depression strikes hard when my faith is solid and strong. It is something out of my hands and it was just until a couple of years ago I knew it was an illness for me and my family. Therapy and pills did the trick. I am not saying God does not has the power to fight depression away, but there are different cases, and God works different from person to person.

This is where I stand today. Regaining my faith. Because I believe in a loving God that won't push me away from his side because I have a non-christian boyfriend, when this man has proved to be right for me in so many ways, even understanding my family and my personal depression issue, and accepting it as part of me, without making me feel bad about it.

I believe God has always been there for me and my family, although I don't understand why my sister is going through all the issues she is facing right now. I really don't know what to tell her. I just have no idea...

I don't know what will come next, but I am sure that God will show me the way. Somehow. I believe I will see my daughter's faith revived and that she will understand, sense and believe in God for real, not just because I taught her to do so. And I believe we will be with Him when the time comes...

Back again...

I can't get this over yet, for he is still coming around, flashing me with that radiant look and his wide smile.
Lying in bed, next to him, feeling his heartbeat in my ear, makes me think it is all worthy, just to be with him in moments like that.
I'm falling in love, can't deny it, and I already lost all my will to escape or finish this.
So, let's see where this road takes us in the end...

Up and down

My will is leaving me again... I don't know when or how he got that power over me... but after some words my anger is gone and now I am calmed and wishing to see him again this week.

I know... I'm insane... but this is it: I really like him a lot and sometimes I feel like it is worthy to wait for him, ´cause the times we spent together lift me up to the clouds and beyond.

Yes... I'm fucked up. Although I don't wanna recognize it yet, I might be falling in love with him so deep I can stand the blue and gray days without him, just to enjoy the bright days together...

What I've critiziced before, I am doing now... bad, terribly bad, I know.

But still... I wanna be with him... am I crazy?

Break up dream

This morning, before I woke up, I dreamt of him. We were at a party, and I was wondering wether to break up with him or not. Then somebody brought a cake. It was his birthday and we sang the happy birthday song for him. There was a gal next him, another mate from school. And after he blew off the candles, she looked at him and they kissed. It was a quick kiss, but I realized then he had something with her.

I knew then it was over. I thought it wasn't necessary to speak to him, but then we met face to face. I knew I needed that talk to close the circle, for me. So I spoke. My heart was aching a lot and I tried to keep me up all together, but it was hard because I knew in his face it was hurting him too. His voice was weak and he had to take a few steps back to breathe.

I knew then what I know now: he sure likes me a lot, but he is not that into me to do what it takes to be with me, and he rather stay with his current life and the gals he uses to meet.

I looked into his eyes and my pain was soathed by this knowledge, though it still hurted me a lot. Then we kissed goodbye... a large, deep and heartful kiss...

Then I woke up.

I've been feeling blue all morning because I broke up with him in my dreams. That's something I gotta do and I may not be able to do it in real life, so I needed it to happen in my dreams.

It hurts me a lot to loose something that could have been, that must have been, but we lost it before it could even start.

But what is hurting me more, is knowing that I must do exactly what I dreamt the next time I see him...

Judgement day

Today I will talk to him to gat things clear. I just don't understand how he can be so tender and romantic, and then turn away and disappear for weeks. If he weren't important to me, I wouldn't mind... but the truth is, I do like him, a lot.

I am nervous. I don't know if this talk will be the end or the beginning for something, but I got this feeling it might be the end of what we have right now.

To be clear, I don't wanna end it. But I don't wanna end up loving on my own again. I'm not a coward. If I get to know he likes me as much as I do, I would certainly take the risks to fall all the way down just to find out if this is gonna work. But knowing that he is not that into me, then it's no worthy to take all that risk. I would end up broken hearted for nothing.

So... here I go. Gonna find out what's going on here... if there is something going on...

It is so easy to get used to good things, that I am already missing him. He travels a lot, due to job stuff... we don't get to see each other as much as we would like to... and in the beginning I used to say: "It's OK... this way we won't fall in love too fast"... but I am already missing him.

I miss his kisses, his hugs, the way he looks at me, his gentle and wide smile everytime he sees me... I wanna see his face again, with those kiddy and sparkling eyes, looking at me, releasing that wonderful smile he just can't hide when he first sees me, everytime we meet :)

I want to feel his hands around me once again, holding my head before he kisses me, hugging me tender and firmly.

I never thought I would end up missing a hairy chest, loving a beird... but I do. I hope he misses me the same way I am already missing him, for I am already counting the hours to see him again...

Starting a new story

I had totally forgotten how does it feel to walk by the street hand in hand with that special one.

I must admit I was surprised when I felt his hand looking for mine, for it has been so long since the last time someone hold my hand on the street... I mean, someone who made me feel special.

It's been a long road for me these months. Love went away. Tried to find a prince in an ogger but it didn't work out.

Time went by and love feeling came back, looking for a place in my heart, trying to make me feel again. Played a while with some guys, but there was always fear to fall in love, sometimes them, sometimes me. Time was not right or they weren't the right ones. And the only times they hold my hand was on the way to a hotel room, or in a hidden place, where nobody could see us.

And then, he came. Someone I could never have thought about. He slipped into my life with his smile and his curious eyes. And he took my hand while walking on the street, and kissed me right there, where everybody could see us... and I felt the seed of love slowly growing again in my heart... :)

Filling my emptyness

It is hard to write when words are not enough to say the way you feel.

I've been fighting myself, against this feeling that just doesn't go away. I am already tired of writing about this, and that's why I stopped writing for a few months.

But in the end, life goes on, and there is so much more to say than just him.

I went to NKOTB concert last december, I spent a nice time with my family last Christmas and New Year, I have a good job and a lot of stuff to do, and I just went through my kid's birthday party, as well as mine...

And there is also this guy, who seems nice and says to be really interested on me... so, maybe in the end, it is time fo this princess to let herself be rescued by an oger-prince...

Let's see what happens...

Flushing away the past

I had a strange dream a couple of nights ago... I dreamt of him, I had an aquarius and I had to change the water, but something went wrong... the water disappeared misteriously, I spilled on some fruit juice on the aquarius and finally the fish died...

I had no idea, at the beginning what kind of dream was that... what did it mean...

Now I think it means my love is dissappearing. Something is flushing it away, the same way it is happening with the water of the aquarius in my dream...

My fish died... all of them... maybe that means I know what we had is already death...

And now... there's nothing more to do than flush away what's left behind -no more future... no more present... and the past is left behind...

Too late...

I guess I lost 2 years ago but still I did it all this time, trying to reach you. Now I know I'll never will. At least I tried, with all my heart and my will, I tried. It is a hard lesson and a story to tell now... there's nothing more to do, or to say. It's all done now... May God bless you and take care of you.
Love always,
a girl once called "mexican princess"

It's all coming back :D

I finally got it. And now I'm doing what I should have done first. I'm going to see him again. I'll travel to Bogota in September. And it's a fact. A fact that changed everything.
"Phoenix", he called me. And that's how I feel...
Life is growing back from the ashes, stronger than before :D
And the dreams are also back... :)

PS: The law of attraction... it really works ;)

The Secret

Many people have been telling me to watch this movie.

I had it for years, because a friend gave it to me as a present, but still, I didn't gave myself enough time to watch it until last sunday.

It helped me to understand a lot... in fact, I was a little afraid it would be some kind of driver to make me doubt of my faith.

Instead, it enforced the strenght of my beliefs.

I now understand I am the kind of believer who needs something more than empty words to believe... I need reasons, I need science, and then, the faith will fill up the blanks and lift me up to the next level.

I really believe now I can get whatever I want in life, and that my life is meant to be so much more than it is today.

The secret? Believe that everything you think, will come to you...

And the Bible says so, I'm not driving away from it. So, I will now attach to the Bible's promises, with a renewed faith and hope :)

Back...

What is left to say?

A life so changed in so few months, I still don't get it...

Everything I got is lost, returned or broken... all I kept is my will to write.

So I'm back.

After all, words are the only thing left for me...

Before X'mas...

It's been 2 weeks since I last spoke to you. I hope you are OK...
In the meantime, I'll just write down a couple of lyrics that make me remind you.

Every night in my dreams I see you, I feel you, that is how I know you go on.
Far across the distance and spaces between us you have come to show you go on.
Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on.
Once more you open the door, you are safe in my heart and my heart will go on and on.
Love can touch us one time and last for lifetime and never let go till we are gone.
Love was when I loved you, one true time I hold to... in my life we'll always go on.
You are here, there's nothing I fear: you are safe in my heart and my heart will go on and on...

(From Celine Dion's My heart will go on)

If I should stay I would only be in your way, so I'll go, but I know I'll think of you every step of the way...
And I will always love you, I will always love you.
You, my darling you... bittersweet memories, that is all I'm taking with me, so goodbye; please, don't cry, we both know I'm not what you need.
I hope life treats you kind and I hope you have all your dreams done, and I wish you joy and happiness, but above all this I wish you love...
And I will always love you, I will always love you... I will always love you...

(From Whitney Houston's I will always love you)

Such is love...

You miss her... I miss you...

One of us deserves to be happy, and I hope it is you.

Forever yours...

Bury me...

He told me today... he is really dating the girl from the pic. I knew it, I knew it...
I want him to be happy, but I really miss him and this is hurting me. There are no more great expectations.
I know now I will never see him again. Dream over.

The Kill
(30 seconds to Mars)

(...) What if I fell to the floor? Couldn't tell this anymore? What would you do?
Kill! Break me down! Bury me! Bury me! I am finished with you!
What if I wanted to fight? Beg for the rest of my life, what would you do?
(...)
Kill! Break me down! Bury me! Bury me! I am finished with you!
Look in my eyes... you are killing me, killing me... all I wanted was you.
I tried to be someone else but nothing seemed to change, I know now this is who I really am inside.
(...) burning for a chance! I know now this is who I really am!
Kill! Break me down! Bury me! Bury me! I am finished with you!
Look in my eyes... you are killing me, killing me... all I wanted was you.
Kill! Break me down! Break me down! Break me down!
What if I wanted to break?

Game over. No more lifes to bet...

Try, just try

And then... I tried something new with this southern friend ;)
I loved it, we had a wonderful time and I'm still enjoying it. I had my doubts about it but in the end it was worthy.
He is tender but passionate, firm but gentle. We laughed a lot and tried new things. And, God! He's a great kisser :D
I don't regret what I did and the time we spent together, I'll keep it forever as one of my best memories... :)

One more thing

Today I realized I am so tired because I've been fighting to survive for a long time, and somehow in the road I got the feeling to be responsible for my parents expenses, for they have no jobs right now.
I've been worring so much, for so long, about my family, now I wish desperately for someone to take care of me... I need some rest... really...