I wish you were here...

I wish you were here, but not the way you lived the last 10 years. I wish you were here strong and healthy, and happy, without pain.

I miss you very much mom. A lot. 

I just wish you were here again...

After the tornado

It has been a tough year.

So many things happening, so fast, I was not able to write.

My heart broke. And I have had so much to do, my main concern was to keep my mind sane...

My mom died on April 30. She was sick, very sick, and she was suffering a lot of pain. She is now in peace, but I miss her a lot.

On the bright side, I'm moving with my boyfriend. Mi daughter was not very happy about it, but finally she is taking it with a mature attitude. I have been stressed for all that the moving means: getting rid of a lot of my mom's and grandma's stuff, packing my own stuff, deciding what not to take, buying new things for the new home... all these while looking for a new school for my daughter and helping my aunt with a trip she had to do to U.S.A.

I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but there have been a lot of things to do, that I just won't write down. And all that happened while I was moarning my mom's loss.

It seems to me that now is like a tornado came by, strucked me, and now I have to move over with what's left after it passed.

And yes, I may be dramatic about it, but this were tough months for me.

Conclusion

I finally had the closing I waited for so many years. It came to me when I honestly was not thinking about it anymore, but it couldn't be a better time.

Just when my boyfriend asked me to marry him, when I really felt like I already turned the page of J in my life, now that I am living a whole new chapter that will continue the story I'm living right now, then, the moment I longed for so many years, finally came.

It is funny to realize how the things have changed. Some years ago I felt like I really needed an encounter to close that chapter, but after a couple of hours it seemed to me there was nothing left to talk about and that everything was already said and done. No more feelings left... just good memories.

It was a good talk. I was able to ask my questions and solve my doubts. We both are fine. We both found love and we both have a family. I'm happy for him. I really am. But I am also glad this closing came on a time I am also happy with my life and sure about my relationship.

Oh God! How things have changed! Everything except, maybe, one thing: the strong hugs he uses to give. Hard to forget such a thing...

At the end of the meeting I came back with one video song in my mind: Cool, from Gwen Stefani. I share the link below. 

As the song says: after all that we've been through I know we are cool :)

Letting go

He was right. My boyfriend. I was afraid of letting myself feel again. After all that I lived, after all that happened I was so afraid to feel, and I felt so secure living a calm, seroius relationship, that I didn't want to let go my feelings.

But it wasn't fair to "punish" him for what I lived before, for what other men did to me. He is being loyal, commited and true. So, he deserves to know the good side of me also. 

He has proved to know me, for better and for worse. He has proved to be in love with me, despite my demons and my madness, and he is still here. And he will be here for a long time. 

So, it was time for me to unleash the power of my feelings again. Those strong feelings that learned to stay in calm, can now be released to flow towards him, because he is there for me and he is letting his feelings to flow towards me.

I am letting my wilderness to be free again, and it feels good :)

So in love...

As time goes by, it all seems to be fitting.

The more I pray, the more I see things between me and my boyfriend are going right. I feel now that I've never been so in love before... or maybe, not like this.

We've got plans, solid plans, for our future. He has shown me all he wants to do to make his home comfortable for me and Vale, to make it OUR home.

I can truly say he is the man I want to live with until we both get old and die; he is the man I want to share my evenings with, he is the man I want to spend my days talking about whatever comes to our minds, he is the man I want to kiss good night and good morning for the rest of our lives.

I finally found my mate. And no matter what my preachers said, it still feels right to me :)

Feeling down days before stepping up on the "fourth floor"

Few days before my 40th birthday arrives, I'm feeling blue... deep blue. 

But the truth is there's no reason why. There are a lot of small issues flying around my head, but each of them, alone, is not enough to make me feel like this. 

I guess it is the sum of all things, then.

I already cried, when talking to my boyfriend -who didn't seem to understand me- and later with my sister, who prayed for me and made me feel better.

Still, I have no idea on what to do for my birthday. No clue at all. And today I am not in the mood to figure out what should I do to celebrate I'm stepping on the 'fourth floor'... even the idea of doing nothing seems perfectly fine for me today. But I know that I will want to do something for this special time, next week.

It's just that today wasn't a good day. And today I didn't want to think about my birthday.

I didn't want to think of my financial situation, and my sister's too.
I didn't want to think of my health.
I didn't want to think of what I can eat and what I can't.
I didn't want to think of my parents, far away.
I didn't want to think of my future and my relationship with my boyfriend.
I didn't want to think of the things I want and I can't get.

I just didn't want to think about anything today. Not even my birthday. 

Maybe tomorrow I will feel happier and I'll think of something I wanna do for my birthday. But today I just needed to cry...

I have no idea...

Suddenly, out of nothing, I felt that emptiness in my chest again, like a vacuum imploding, like a black hole inside me.

I've been taking my pills, I am praying again, listening to worship songs and trying to read my Bible again. The storm of few weeks ago seemed to pass away and I was feeling better... but then, no.

I realized myself speechless, unable to answer my daughter´s and sister´s questions about life and God... I, myself, have had to look for answers to all the questions that flooded my mind and my soul since I confessed to my preacher I have a non-christian boyfriend and I was taken away from the church service.

I had to face the truth of the extent of my faith... and it is not as wide as I thought it was. There are still some sacrifices I am not willing to do, like breaking up with the only man I've met who has really been there for me, who loves me just like I am, who supports me and the only one I've ever been able to imagine getting older with.

I had to face my daughter's inquiries and complaints, while I was trying to process my own feelings and thoughts, all these while trying to discover God's will in my life and my own will to do what He asks for me... It was not an easy road.

And, in the meantime, I see my sister's struggle for money, while trying to keep her marriage and her family tied together. I see her questioning where's the God of the Bible, the one that says there will never be a hunger and material needs for those who follow God. And my sister, her husband and their kids follow God, they do. I was out of words the last time I spoke to her about God's love. I just couldn't find a reason for what she and her family -my family- are living. And it hurts me to the bone.

It also hurts me to see my daughter waking astray from the Bible's lessons; I understand she is too young and that she has not had the chance to experience God's love and presence in her life yet, not as a thing she can really feel. I knew this would happen. She is also the fourth generation of a family of women flooded by depression, so it's a genetic issue for women in my family. I am trying to teach her to understand that sometimes what she feels is not real, it's just the combination of chemical substances in her brain and body that were triggered due to external factors, but that things may not be as bad as she sees it when the depression strikes. I really hope she grows up understanding this and managing depression and sadness much more well than the older ones did: it took me 35 years and some pills to stay calmed; it took my sister more than 35 years and a family crisis; it took my mom almost 60 years to get over it... I hope my daughter can get this in control before 20 years. Her life would be so much better...

And, here is where my faith crashes again with my reality. Or maybe I should not say my faith, but the church. The truth is many christian churches don't believe depression, in some cases, is more than an emotional state that can dissappear with a strong relationship with God. Sometimes it is much more than that...

Sometimes, depression strikes suddenly, exploding that black hole in somebody's chest, and it doesn't matter if it is a strong believer or a new born christian. It just happens. Something triggers the chemical reaction in our bodies and, out of nothing, we may feel sad, nostalgic and a little bit mad or depressed. If the people around us don't understand that, then the feeling grows, because it finds an argument to say "hey, this is why I'm here!"

It takes a lot to realize that those feelings were "artificially implanted" and they don't belong to you. If you are able to recognize that and reject those feelings, then you'll be able to move on, pray, worship and pass the sad moment. Many christians are not able to do that. And sometimes I am not sure that my daughter will find the tools she needs on the church, because depression is usually seen as a sign of a life of sins and away from God. It is not. Many depressed christians pray to God in pain, begging Him to help them, desperately asking for this feeling to fade away.

When christian churches recognize depression as an illness, they will be able to let members of the church say they are living in depression, and it will be easier for all to find a way to help the one in need, and that person may feel better in church knowing that people won't stare at him/her like saying: "Oh, sure. He's sad... he may not been praying lately. Or maybe his faith is not as strong as he says..."

Guess what? My faith was solid enough when I was told I couldn´t work for the church's service. I am a woman surviving depression every day of my life. I have lived with it since I remember. And I know God has always been there for me, but so depression. My faith has gone up and down, and so the depression; and the fluctuations are not related to strong faith = less depression. No. Sometimes depression strikes hard when my faith is solid and strong. It is something out of my hands and it was just until a couple of years ago I knew it was an illness for me and my family. Therapy and pills did the trick. I am not saying God does not has the power to fight depression away, but there are different cases, and God works different from person to person.

This is where I stand today. Regaining my faith. Because I believe in a loving God that won't push me away from his side because I have a non-christian boyfriend, when this man has proved to be right for me in so many ways, even understanding my family and my personal depression issue, and accepting it as part of me, without making me feel bad about it.

I believe God has always been there for me and my family, although I don't understand why my sister is going through all the issues she is facing right now. I really don't know what to tell her. I just have no idea...

I don't know what will come next, but I am sure that God will show me the way. Somehow. I believe I will see my daughter's faith revived and that she will understand, sense and believe in God for real, not just because I taught her to do so. And I believe we will be with Him when the time comes...