I finally had the closing I waited for so many years. It came to me when I honestly was not thinking about it anymore, but it couldn't be a better time. Just when my boyfriend asked me to marry him, when I really felt like I already turned the page of J in my life, now that I am living a whole new chapter that will continue the story I'm living right now, then, the moment I longed for so many years, finally came. It is funny to realize how the things have changed. Some years ago I felt like I really needed an encounter to close that chapter, but after a couple of hours it seemed to me there was nothing left to talk about and that everything was already said and done. No more feelings left... just good memories. It was a good talk. I was able to ask my questions and solve my doubts. We both are fine. We both found love and we both have a family. I'm happy for him. I really am. But I am also glad this closing came on a time I am also happy with my life and sure about my relationship. Oh God! How things have changed! Everything except, maybe, one thing: the strong hugs he uses to give. Hard to forget such a thing... At the end of the meeting I came back with one video song in my mind: Cool, from Gwen Stefani. I share the link below. As the song says: after all that we've been through I know we are cool :)
He was right. My boyfriend. I was afraid of letting myself feel again. After all that I lived, after all that happened I was so afraid to feel, and I felt so secure living a calm, seroius relationship, that I didn't want to let go my feelings.
But it wasn't fair to "punish" him for what I lived before, for what other men did to me. He is being loyal, commited and true. So, he deserves to know the good side of me also. He has proved to know me, for better and for worse. He has proved to be in love with me, despite my demons and my madness, and he is still here. And he will be here for a long time. So, it was time for me to unleash the power of my feelings again. Those strong feelings that learned to stay in calm, can now be released to flow towards him, because he is there for me and he is letting his feelings to flow towards me. I am letting my wilderness to be free again, and it feels good :)
The more I pray, the more I see things between me and my boyfriend are going right. I feel now that I've never been so in love before... or maybe, not like this. We've got plans, solid plans, for our future. He has shown me all he wants to do to make his home comfortable for me and Vale, to make it OUR home. I can truly say he is the man I want to live with until we both get old and die; he is the man I want to share my evenings with, he is the man I want to spend my days talking about whatever comes to our minds, he is the man I want to kiss good night and good morning for the rest of our lives. I finally found my mate. And no matter what my preachers said, it still feels right to me :)
